How's your Hang?

My friend Red Dave called me on a Thursday night to discuss plans for the weekend. He said Razel the rapper was coming to town and he wanted to go see him on Saturday night after the game of fives he was having with guys from work. In fact he said they were one short for the fives so I agreed to play and we could kick on to see Razel later.

I arrived at the five-a-side pitch and Red Dave introduced me to all the guys from his work. There were a couple of guys the same age as me and Red Dave but most were older guys who I thought probably held some high up positions at the bank where he worked. Good opportunity for RD to make an impression. I was also thinking good opportunity for me as I was on the dole at the time.

Anyway the game of football was played in good spirit and after we had showered we all had a few pints in the bar at the sports centre. We then kicked on into town to play some pool. No dramas so far. After the pool everyone was pretty hungry so we rolled on into an Indian restaurant for a curry. Red Dave was beginning to get a bit lary – he’d been trying to fight me out on the street when we were walking to the restaurant.

It was inside the restaurant that things kicked off. To be fair to Red Dave the guy was probably being an arsehole. We were sitting talking and Red Dave told everyone “I’m trying to get some money together to buy my own flat.” One of the slightly older guys, Tim – he was about 35 and apparently at the very top of the bank already, said sarcastically “That will be in a nice area no doubt.” I’ve known White for a while now, certainly long enough to know it’s totally insane to make a smug remark like that to him. White was fuming, he replied “Fuck you Tim, you’re a prick. In fact I wasn’t going to mention this but now you’ve been a prick I will. I saw you’re cock in the showers after football and it’s tiny.” One of the oldest guys, Bruce, who I was told was the third highest person at the bank, asked Duncan how he would know this information. White’s reply was “Fuck you Bruce, trying to stick up for Tim, you’re a wanker, mind your own business. I know Tim has a tiny cock because when we were in the showers I was looking at everyone’s and comparing their ones to mine and when I got to Tim I couldn’t really see anything, I would need a magnifying glass to see it.” Tim then said “I don’t think the size of your penis determines how much of a man you are, I think you have to look at your life as a whole. I have a lovely house, good job, nice car, 2 beautiful daughters. What do you have? What skills do you possess? I would beat you at tennis and squash no problem. Skiing? I’d be faster down the mountain than you for sure.” Red Dave was furious. He said “How about something that matters Tim. How about cage fighting? How about me and you step outside right now?” Phil, RD’s manager told him to calm down. RD said “Fuck you Phil. In fact fuck all of you cunts. You’re all old wankers.” He left the restaurant. He had just torn into some of the highest guys where he worked. At least that arrogant tit Tim had got pulled up for being a twat.
It was deadly quiet at the table. I got up and said to all the guys “Thanks for the game of football and it was a nice meal and that but I better be off too. If any of you guys want to give me a gig as I’m unemployed that would be great.” A couple of people said “goodbye” but that that was it.

I joined RD outside and he was looking a bit sheepish. He was like “did I go over the top just then?” I told him that Tim the tit had deserved it although maybe he’d gone a bit over the top with the other guys. I didn’t want him feeling bad though so I told him the guys were all cool with it and laughing about it when I left. We kicked on to see Razel.

The club that Razel was playing at wasn’t really the kind of club I usually go to. It was full of music people, whereas I go to clubs mainly for the boozing. We found out that Razel wasn’t playing until the end of the night so we decided to go somewhere else. As we walked to the exit we came across a cordoned off area leading to stairs. There was nobody about so we decided to check it out. We climbed the stairs and when we got to the top we could see across the corridor a sign on the door saying “VIP-Razel’s dressing room.” Nice one, maybe we’ll get to meet Razel. We opened the door. The opened door revealed a big room, full of drink but there was nobody there. Even better. Me and RD tucked into a few beers and chilled out on Razel’s VIP leather sofa. After a while RD complained, saying “That curry we had earlier is really beginning to hit me hard.” I said “yeah it was a hot one” but I didn’t take much notice. I did take notice immediately after when RD sprang up from the sofa shouting “I need a toilet, FIND a FUCKING toilet.” I said “There will be one outside.” He ran to the door, his trousers were already down round his ankles in preparation for the big explosion which was surely about to come. As he opened the door a black guy, who I assume was Razel came in with 2 big bouncers or bodyguards. They stood totally bemused. In front of them was Red Dave and Red Dave’ penis. On the floor was a trail of brown liquid leading from the sofa to the door. Red Dave’ hand was like a used toilet brush, courtesy of his attempt to catch his accident during his rush to the exit. There were spatter marks of brown against the white wall as by the time RD had reached the door he could hold on no longer and he had erupted like vesuvious, spraying speckles of slippery shit metres from where he stood. Inside his trousers lay a foot long turd. I was lying all chilled out on the leather sofa surrounded by empty beer bottles, like a porn director, surveying his latest work.

My hang was not the best the next day but Red Dave’ was of the scale. His Sunday night fear about work on Monday was through the roof.